14 Problems Only Women With Thick Thighs Understand
1. Pants never fit. “If the waist is the right size, you can’t get them over your thighs,” is the National Poem of BigThighLandia. I don’t know how many belts I own, but it’s in the double digits, and my tailor knows my measurements (36–32–brick shithouse) like the back of his own damn hand.
2. Crossing your legs. Not gonna lie: it can be hard! Especially when under a low table or on a stool. Like, if you have big thighs and can cross your legs while sitting on a stool, I think you should be given some sort of congressional medal.
3. Thigh-highs? More like LOL-highs! You can’t keep those things up with rubber cement.
5. The dark patches! That mysteriously appear on your inner thighs from years of rubbing. At first I thought I had a skin condition until my mom set me straight on this part of my family inheritance. Some kids get a million-dollar trust fund, I got chronic discoloration! Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe!
6. Finding inventive ways to hack your shorts. Listen, with your gorgeous hammocks, you need to cut open your shorts to let them suckers breathe. I’ve done stuff like this and this to too many pairs of shorts to count.
7. Shorts riding up in the middle. The parts of your shorts that cover your inner thigh just want to creep on up and be one with your cooch. What can I say? It feels good to be loved!
8. Pants ripping from the rubbing. Shopping better be your most favorite thing to do ever because you go through jeans like whoa. What? Those denim manufacturers are not ready for your jelly.
9. The thigh smack when you run. Your thighs are so proud of you for exercising that they’re giving you a round of applause! #Blessed.
10. Your boyfriend has smaller thighs than you do. Many guys are built straight as an arrow, so it means sharing their denim is off-limits. Although you have learned to love your powerful, awesome thighs, the time you tried on your boyfriend’s jeans and they wouldn’t fit over your knees was a bit of a blow to your ego. That said, lots of brands are now making boyfriend jeans for ladies, so you can rock the look with the skinniest of them.
11. Finding bikini bottoms is a freaking nightmare. And one-pieces usually aren’t any better, especially if you don’t have an enormous rack. You live for the mix-and-match sale section or else you’d have to go naked at the beach.
12. You’re healthier? Science says that having big ol’ thighs is good for you. Well, that’s what they say today; check back tomorrow for when science is like, “LOL, gotcha, thunder thighs!” Science can be such a D.
13. Guys think they can be trashy to you. Something about big thighs makes some dudes feel like they can say lewd shit to you. Listen, buddy, the only time these things are gonna be wrapped around your head is when I’m choking you out for being such a scuzz.
14. Name-calling :/ Even though you were called “thunder thighs” by some uncreative idiots in seventh grade (Get better insults, dummies!), you’ve grown to love your large-and-most-definitely-in-charge thighs. Sure, outfitting them is sometimes a challenge but you have to admit you look damn good when you do. Team Thunder Thighs for LIFE!